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Nov. 21st, 2003 10:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deliriumcrowSo since moving down to Kingston, I've put on an incredible amount of weigt. And this bothers me. I mean, it doens't look all that bad--as with the last time, my shape didn't change that much. When I stand up there are no rolls, and I just have bigger breasts and hips. Which means that I do't fit my clothes anymore, and that's the big problem. At least, today it is.
Other days, I look like a whale when I look in the mirror, regardless of what anyone else says. I notice little things, like whether or not without a brassire I droop at all. Or the width of my arms. Or the size of my belly in a tight skirt. (And why do they not make girdles anymore? Time was a good girl would not leave the house without one....) And I see the width of my face, and it's not what I'm supposed to look like. My thighs are huge, and my belly is round, my breasts are heavy and hurt my back.
I know I"m not supposed to be a stick-thin waif girl, I tried to get down that small before and not only did it not work due to the size of my bones, but it looked bad. Unhealthy bad. And unattractive. Girls with hip bones this big are not supposed to be skinny enough that they stick out, and I don't even like it on those who are small enough to pull it off. I am composed of a great deal of muscle, and contributes to the weight, especially in the thighs. (This also means that there are no pants in the world that fit me properly.) I have never looked like one of those ancient fertility figures, I have a waist. I have clavicles as well. I like being round, and looking like a woman, rather than just barely pubescent, or worse, like a little boy. SOmething about it just smacks of pedophilia, or something like that. (Diatribe on that later.)
More or less, I'm ok with the way I look, and it was art that made me comfortable with size. Reubens kind of began it, because in the paintings where it doens't look like he was modelling women off of a man's form and adding fat where he thought it was appropriate, I used to look like that. Some of his nudes are quite beautiful, but for some reason those don't seem to be the ones that appear in the textbooks. Michelangelo did not help at all, his women look like heavilly muscled men with boobs. Some of the other 17th century artists painted women that would today be called obese, and same into the 18th century and 19th. And you know something? They were beautiful. They were women, not impoverished children. Mae West, one of the hottest women of the first half of the 20th century was *curvy*. All over the place, and she didn't hide it. She was actually one of the most relevant females to the evolution of my self-image. (And apparently she was the first to say 'is that a gin in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?' I hadn't known that until today. :) ) I don't think I'm fat precisely. I have fat. It is there, and I won't argue that, but I'm not *fat*, of the flavour that implies obesity and unhealthiness. I'm over what I want to weigh, this is true. But I never think I look right. THis is one of the things that contributed to the anorexia of a few years ago, and you never really get over that. And I'm not so huge that men don't look at me. either.
I was goign to go into the anti-media diatribe, but I don't feel like it. and I've been more or less out of the loop for a while. I havne't looked at a mag in months, and I don't really see a lot of new movies. Though I do notice a trend in smaller models and actresses since the 80s.
I don't realyl know where I"m goign with this, I kinsa lost my train of thought a while ago. No body-image issues today, just trying to rationalize things.
You are a positive thinker. You see the goodness
in people and the beauty in life. You are
needed to keep hope alive.
Which Jerry Uelsmann Photograph Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Other days, I look like a whale when I look in the mirror, regardless of what anyone else says. I notice little things, like whether or not without a brassire I droop at all. Or the width of my arms. Or the size of my belly in a tight skirt. (And why do they not make girdles anymore? Time was a good girl would not leave the house without one....) And I see the width of my face, and it's not what I'm supposed to look like. My thighs are huge, and my belly is round, my breasts are heavy and hurt my back.
I know I"m not supposed to be a stick-thin waif girl, I tried to get down that small before and not only did it not work due to the size of my bones, but it looked bad. Unhealthy bad. And unattractive. Girls with hip bones this big are not supposed to be skinny enough that they stick out, and I don't even like it on those who are small enough to pull it off. I am composed of a great deal of muscle, and contributes to the weight, especially in the thighs. (This also means that there are no pants in the world that fit me properly.) I have never looked like one of those ancient fertility figures, I have a waist. I have clavicles as well. I like being round, and looking like a woman, rather than just barely pubescent, or worse, like a little boy. SOmething about it just smacks of pedophilia, or something like that. (Diatribe on that later.)
More or less, I'm ok with the way I look, and it was art that made me comfortable with size. Reubens kind of began it, because in the paintings where it doens't look like he was modelling women off of a man's form and adding fat where he thought it was appropriate, I used to look like that. Some of his nudes are quite beautiful, but for some reason those don't seem to be the ones that appear in the textbooks. Michelangelo did not help at all, his women look like heavilly muscled men with boobs. Some of the other 17th century artists painted women that would today be called obese, and same into the 18th century and 19th. And you know something? They were beautiful. They were women, not impoverished children. Mae West, one of the hottest women of the first half of the 20th century was *curvy*. All over the place, and she didn't hide it. She was actually one of the most relevant females to the evolution of my self-image. (And apparently she was the first to say 'is that a gin in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?' I hadn't known that until today. :) ) I don't think I'm fat precisely. I have fat. It is there, and I won't argue that, but I'm not *fat*, of the flavour that implies obesity and unhealthiness. I'm over what I want to weigh, this is true. But I never think I look right. THis is one of the things that contributed to the anorexia of a few years ago, and you never really get over that. And I'm not so huge that men don't look at me. either.
I was goign to go into the anti-media diatribe, but I don't feel like it. and I've been more or less out of the loop for a while. I havne't looked at a mag in months, and I don't really see a lot of new movies. Though I do notice a trend in smaller models and actresses since the 80s.
I don't realyl know where I"m goign with this, I kinsa lost my train of thought a while ago. No body-image issues today, just trying to rationalize things.
You are a positive thinker. You see the goodness
in people and the beauty in life. You are
needed to keep hope alive.
Which Jerry Uelsmann Photograph Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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no subject
Date: 2003-11-21 11:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-11-22 10:47 am (UTC)ANd you know, I think they do make girdles, but I never found any small enough for me. They were at Sears or something, I think....