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Jul. 13th, 2003 02:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
deliriumcrowI want to listen to this song again. And again. It's the sort of thing that makes me feel better, or, at least, just cuddled. I'm less and less fond of the idea of staying here. It's so many things, most of them small, but they add so quickly. Smallest is that I can't stand whne people bitch about people not pulling their share of the housework, and then do little enough themselves, leaving their own dishes about and not washing them, and then doing ineffectual cleaning jobs that serve only to lose things. And I'm not cooking for everyone in the house again until someone washes up from the last time. I cooked damn it, I'm not your housewife, or your mother.
Bigger. I'm beginning to hate my job, for similarly small reasons. I miss Alfred's where I worked with paople who were, if not odd in the same way as I, at least understood that there is such a thing as odd in teh world, and were not quite normal themselves. Here, everyone is painfully normal. And I agreed that I would work a day out of the weekend, but that I am mostly available during the day, and only one day of the weekend. Not both, and not every Saturday, Harry Potter not withstanding. The Potter fuss is over. I want my weekends, as I would rather like to get the sewing thing going. And build stuff. And *do* stuff. So of course, they schedule me for every weekend, and always closing. So yeah. Annoyed.
Still bigger. I miss people. Yes, there are people, but they beging to lose their potency when they're around all day every day, and instead become a thing to be escaped. As always, Remy doesn't count among these, he's too much a part of me to be counted among other people. We used to go out and see other people. Go to other places and do other things in different surroundings, even if those other places were more or less predictable. There were more of them in Albany, nad some in walking distance, or bussing. Hell, there was pub trans in Albany. There is *nothing* here, and if there is, I don't know when. It's not exactly efficient here. There are people outside this house. I know this, I see them in the mall, I have even spoken to them on occasion, and sometimes see them outside work. But I see them so rarely. I am not satisfied to stay in one place all the time. I am not pleased with the idea that I should learn to drive. Aside from certain ideological disagreements, I'm somewhat phobic. Driving has been at the center of almost all my nightmares, since I was a very small child. I miss having friends that I don't see all the time, that I don't get annoyed with because they are always *there*, Or who are around so often that I never have anything to say to them, because they already know it. Apples comes over sometimes, but while he's great conversation, diversity is a good thing. I am completely separated from my family, and from my friends, though the line between those is often blurry. But not so far or so scared as when I was in Colorado, when separation was a matter of survival. At least for a while, anyway. And then I missed them so much I came home. And I had distanced myself rather effectively from the closest ones before leaving, making it that much easier. But this time I'm still close to all of them. So it hurts. I'm lonely here, even with all sorts of people here. Slowly we are acquiring more, but it's suck a slow process. And there's the fact that I don't really have anything in commone with most of the people here. I miss living in the Collective, where the conversations we had were usually things I could get into without either sounding like an idiot, or just being excluded for reaons of content. I know more or less nothing about computers, and less about most of the other geekishness. I don't much care for anime, as I don't generally care for most programs. It is not the case that if it's animated it must be good.
The not-biggest. There is no room here! I feel like I"m living in a storage unit. We have almost all our belongings stuffed into one room, with a few exceptions. The kitchen has no cupboards, and the walls are hideously "repaired". Over the lath and plaster someone nailed boards and nailed to those drywall. So cupboards aren't even an option, so I have to build freestanding shelves. I have no problem with this, I like building, but I have no time to do so. I like the house a great deal, it pleases me in many ways, but it's a tremendous lot of work, and the owner doens't seem to care. It's just this side, if at all, of condemnation. Not that I have any problem with this, I grew up in a house that bore no resemblance to finished. The walls were often in various shades of plaster or drywall, wires everywhere where the walls were not yet in, and the constant smell of old plaster dust. Sloping floors are comforting to me. The house does not conform to Euclidean geometry, the angles are all off. Nothing goes where it should, nothing matches, and I swear the house changes shape when no one is looking. It's especially obvious when you turn on the lights, that the objects in the room are decidedly not where they were in the dark. This does not bother me, I like it. But it's still small. And I want to do all sorts of repairs, but I can't. I don't own the place. So I'm bound to not change the place significantly, to let it sit and rot because no one cares about it at all. And you know, if you're going to drywall, fine. It's not as good as plaster, but it's cheaper and easier, Just don't be stupid!
And I have more insect bites at this moment than I have in the last several years combined.
The biggest. Kingston really, really doesn't like me. I thought at first it was Remy's parents house, which eats magic. It's not so much the house really, as his mother, who seems to be a great black hole for such things. Which probably explains my shortness of patience with her to a degree. She means well, but she eats my soul. And then we moved out and I hoped it would stop, but I could no longer go head walking. I guess it would be like astral projection, but I always thought that involved leaving ones body and travelling through this part of the world. I don't. I wander through other planes at night, dreaming or otherwise. It's always been so. The only time I've been able to do so here was for a briief moment in which I saw my jumping off place and all the known lands surrounding it in flames and ruins. Not a pleasant sight, and I was left rather disturbed for a few days following. And then I was forced out, and haven't been able to get in again. Apples and I, one night when he was over and rather intoxicated, found that it had something to do with the Thing in the upstairs bathroom, which is creepy in more ways than the filth. The thing I had found in the basement when we first looked at the place, which wanted to be left alone that day, wanted nothing to do with the plans hatched by whatever had hired the bathroom Thing, and moved out. And then. Kingston does not like me, partly as an outsider, thus keeping me quarantined, and also as part of the Troy court. There's bad blood there. And Troy isn't doing well, either, according to Apples. So I'm cut off from most of my magic. This is worse than being without people, as this is being without myself. I feel like I'm goign crazy, but if I were to say all this to any sort of shrink type, it would look like I"m getting my sanity back and learnign to deal with the "real" world. I know this looks like schizophrenia to most people, and I don't care. I've seen enough with other people there, I've had enough experiences to prove its reality to myself. This is the kind of crazy that one does not go to professionals about, I think. So I fight through it with those closest to me, and hope that I can get out sometime soon before I forget who I am. And hope they can find what's wrong. And can reason with an unreasoning townnot to shut me out of everything. I feel like I'm dying here, and often rather want to. It's easier than being so severed. To live without wonder....I don't think I can.
And then theres' the fact that since I moveddown here, my clothes don't fit. It's not like I eat more, it's actually less, just not as varied. And none of it seems to be all that good for a person. I'm trying to change that, but it's hard when there's no food. And with the lack of good food, I can't digest anything, so food makes me sick again. So I eat less, and get more sick. And no smaller. And it's not a lack of exercise, I get plenty of that at work. lifting heavy objects, walking, standing for hours on end.... And I think I"m more active than I was at home. So instead I invested in diet pills and multivits. This seems to be a good combination. I don't know, I still want to cut off parts of myself, just to be rid of the fat. But I also haven't the stamina or the drugs to be fully anorexic, aside from the fact that sooner or later someone would notice and put a stop to it. And bulemia just isn't my thing. Too messy, too disgusting. Especially considering that one of my earliest reasons for not eating is that digestion is a thoroughly vulgar and nasty process. So. This is my whinging for the evening.
Bigger. I'm beginning to hate my job, for similarly small reasons. I miss Alfred's where I worked with paople who were, if not odd in the same way as I, at least understood that there is such a thing as odd in teh world, and were not quite normal themselves. Here, everyone is painfully normal. And I agreed that I would work a day out of the weekend, but that I am mostly available during the day, and only one day of the weekend. Not both, and not every Saturday, Harry Potter not withstanding. The Potter fuss is over. I want my weekends, as I would rather like to get the sewing thing going. And build stuff. And *do* stuff. So of course, they schedule me for every weekend, and always closing. So yeah. Annoyed.
Still bigger. I miss people. Yes, there are people, but they beging to lose their potency when they're around all day every day, and instead become a thing to be escaped. As always, Remy doesn't count among these, he's too much a part of me to be counted among other people. We used to go out and see other people. Go to other places and do other things in different surroundings, even if those other places were more or less predictable. There were more of them in Albany, nad some in walking distance, or bussing. Hell, there was pub trans in Albany. There is *nothing* here, and if there is, I don't know when. It's not exactly efficient here. There are people outside this house. I know this, I see them in the mall, I have even spoken to them on occasion, and sometimes see them outside work. But I see them so rarely. I am not satisfied to stay in one place all the time. I am not pleased with the idea that I should learn to drive. Aside from certain ideological disagreements, I'm somewhat phobic. Driving has been at the center of almost all my nightmares, since I was a very small child. I miss having friends that I don't see all the time, that I don't get annoyed with because they are always *there*, Or who are around so often that I never have anything to say to them, because they already know it. Apples comes over sometimes, but while he's great conversation, diversity is a good thing. I am completely separated from my family, and from my friends, though the line between those is often blurry. But not so far or so scared as when I was in Colorado, when separation was a matter of survival. At least for a while, anyway. And then I missed them so much I came home. And I had distanced myself rather effectively from the closest ones before leaving, making it that much easier. But this time I'm still close to all of them. So it hurts. I'm lonely here, even with all sorts of people here. Slowly we are acquiring more, but it's suck a slow process. And there's the fact that I don't really have anything in commone with most of the people here. I miss living in the Collective, where the conversations we had were usually things I could get into without either sounding like an idiot, or just being excluded for reaons of content. I know more or less nothing about computers, and less about most of the other geekishness. I don't much care for anime, as I don't generally care for most programs. It is not the case that if it's animated it must be good.
The not-biggest. There is no room here! I feel like I"m living in a storage unit. We have almost all our belongings stuffed into one room, with a few exceptions. The kitchen has no cupboards, and the walls are hideously "repaired". Over the lath and plaster someone nailed boards and nailed to those drywall. So cupboards aren't even an option, so I have to build freestanding shelves. I have no problem with this, I like building, but I have no time to do so. I like the house a great deal, it pleases me in many ways, but it's a tremendous lot of work, and the owner doens't seem to care. It's just this side, if at all, of condemnation. Not that I have any problem with this, I grew up in a house that bore no resemblance to finished. The walls were often in various shades of plaster or drywall, wires everywhere where the walls were not yet in, and the constant smell of old plaster dust. Sloping floors are comforting to me. The house does not conform to Euclidean geometry, the angles are all off. Nothing goes where it should, nothing matches, and I swear the house changes shape when no one is looking. It's especially obvious when you turn on the lights, that the objects in the room are decidedly not where they were in the dark. This does not bother me, I like it. But it's still small. And I want to do all sorts of repairs, but I can't. I don't own the place. So I'm bound to not change the place significantly, to let it sit and rot because no one cares about it at all. And you know, if you're going to drywall, fine. It's not as good as plaster, but it's cheaper and easier, Just don't be stupid!
And I have more insect bites at this moment than I have in the last several years combined.
The biggest. Kingston really, really doesn't like me. I thought at first it was Remy's parents house, which eats magic. It's not so much the house really, as his mother, who seems to be a great black hole for such things. Which probably explains my shortness of patience with her to a degree. She means well, but she eats my soul. And then we moved out and I hoped it would stop, but I could no longer go head walking. I guess it would be like astral projection, but I always thought that involved leaving ones body and travelling through this part of the world. I don't. I wander through other planes at night, dreaming or otherwise. It's always been so. The only time I've been able to do so here was for a briief moment in which I saw my jumping off place and all the known lands surrounding it in flames and ruins. Not a pleasant sight, and I was left rather disturbed for a few days following. And then I was forced out, and haven't been able to get in again. Apples and I, one night when he was over and rather intoxicated, found that it had something to do with the Thing in the upstairs bathroom, which is creepy in more ways than the filth. The thing I had found in the basement when we first looked at the place, which wanted to be left alone that day, wanted nothing to do with the plans hatched by whatever had hired the bathroom Thing, and moved out. And then. Kingston does not like me, partly as an outsider, thus keeping me quarantined, and also as part of the Troy court. There's bad blood there. And Troy isn't doing well, either, according to Apples. So I'm cut off from most of my magic. This is worse than being without people, as this is being without myself. I feel like I'm goign crazy, but if I were to say all this to any sort of shrink type, it would look like I"m getting my sanity back and learnign to deal with the "real" world. I know this looks like schizophrenia to most people, and I don't care. I've seen enough with other people there, I've had enough experiences to prove its reality to myself. This is the kind of crazy that one does not go to professionals about, I think. So I fight through it with those closest to me, and hope that I can get out sometime soon before I forget who I am. And hope they can find what's wrong. And can reason with an unreasoning townnot to shut me out of everything. I feel like I'm dying here, and often rather want to. It's easier than being so severed. To live without wonder....I don't think I can.
And then theres' the fact that since I moveddown here, my clothes don't fit. It's not like I eat more, it's actually less, just not as varied. And none of it seems to be all that good for a person. I'm trying to change that, but it's hard when there's no food. And with the lack of good food, I can't digest anything, so food makes me sick again. So I eat less, and get more sick. And no smaller. And it's not a lack of exercise, I get plenty of that at work. lifting heavy objects, walking, standing for hours on end.... And I think I"m more active than I was at home. So instead I invested in diet pills and multivits. This seems to be a good combination. I don't know, I still want to cut off parts of myself, just to be rid of the fat. But I also haven't the stamina or the drugs to be fully anorexic, aside from the fact that sooner or later someone would notice and put a stop to it. And bulemia just isn't my thing. Too messy, too disgusting. Especially considering that one of my earliest reasons for not eating is that digestion is a thoroughly vulgar and nasty process. So. This is my whinging for the evening.
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OK
Date: 2003-07-13 06:48 am (UTC)2. Who doesn't hate their job? if it's money and it's not completely intolerable, stick with it, otherwise find something else.
3. I can understand your feelings on the house. You are an outsider. You've never been part of the group before. They're trying, however thres a block in their way. You're being pessimistic. One of the biggest things I've heard from people was that half of your sentences start with "I hate". Please try. The venture everyone in that house is taking can work, but you guys have to communicate and listen. Have a talk with Ben. You both have very different ideas about how the house should be run and there HAS to be middle ground. I would also start doing a considerable amount of bitching to the landlord.
4. Aside from the people at the house, you haven't met many people. It's hard to do. There are no real social gathering places in Kingston. However there is hope if you can hold out. New Paltz is a teeming college. You will find friends. People who share some of your interests. It will happen. Plus when the fall starts you won't be at the house as much so things there will seem less important. For now, pull Remy off his ass and get him to show you all the neat places in town. I can drive, but walking might be more suitable for such a journey.
5. As for Kingston hating you. You are an outsider. You have to make yourself at home before you can be at home. It's a tough process. I don't think it's so much that Kingston hates you as you hate Kingston and that blocks you. Plus, Kingston is wary of Remy. News of his doings in Troy have always filtered to here. Honestly, this small town is scared of him. Also something to be healed with time.
6. Back to the house. Take charge of the food situation. If theres nothing to eat, do the shopping yourself. If they don't pitch in the cash make sure it's marked with your name. You have to realize, while they are all responsible adults, James hasn't had to worry about the whole shoping bit before and Ben and Tim haven't really done diverse food shopping in a while. Actually, Ben has made comments about how he's eaten practically no meat since he moved out. Well if everyone can work together on food, meat is not so expensive when 5 people chip in on it. There no reason not to have a healthy diet.
no subject
Date: 2003-07-13 05:41 pm (UTC)You're falling victim to the law of fives. Everyone needs to talk things out, before you wind up almost rolling eachother on the lawn.
It'll get better once Remy is working, and once you're back in school. Apples is right about that. Now, you're just there too much, and you live with too many boys. That means that you'll defacto be mom. Just ignore them. Do what you feel comfortable with and try to work out something for the rest. If that doesn't work, you and Remy will figure something else out.
I love you and I miss you.
Re:
Date: 2003-07-17 10:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-07-17 03:07 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2003-07-24 09:59 am (UTC)