God thinks there was something very wrong with Coppernicus.

[deliriumcrow]

So. Yeah. Stuff. I think I'll cut this for those who don't feel like listening to what turned into a rant.... I'm feeling much better than last night, wherein I was simply beaten. I felt like every bit of my body had been bloodied. Actually, it was only me knees, after going with Sarah as she walked her neighbor's dog, and he decided it would be a good idea to give me severe rope burn across the bending part of my knees.... Before classes, too. It still hurts a bit, but not so mcuh. I love how quickly I heal. And it finished with a tremendous headache, and my eyes hurt badly enough that I spent the better part of two hours crying on Remy. Not crying, I suppose, so much as just silently watering his shirt. Eh. And I didn't get to watch the movie, because it hurt too much to look at the screen, and I couldn't see the subtitles anyway. And you know something? Anime children are fucking shrill when your head hurts. I think I'm blaming it on the excessive sun we had yesterday. And stress.

I still don't know if I'm in at New Paltz yet. After May, we have to have a home. At the beginning of May, I have two final art projects due. In the midlle of May, I have three normal finals. And I have to pack, and I have to bake a cake, and there's probably more stuff.

So today we did nothing, really. Ok, not entirely true, just nothing academic. I packed a little, and sorted some stuff, lost a mother board, and then one it was found, lost my wire cutters. So tearing it apart didn't happen. And I finished the corset for Jen's wedding. eyelets and all. Yay me! The needles didn't even break this time! We got cheesecake recipes fro Remy's birthday, which will probably be made late, but oh well. He can deal, and it just extends teh whole celebration thing. Maybe I'll do it *really* late, and bring it down to Kingston next weekend. Which would be cool.

Tomorrow, instead of going to Stockwood as we had originally planned, we're goign to my father's house, and that shold be much fun. I don't see him enough.... Remy's burnign him a CD of nifty folk songs done by modern bands, and he should like that fairly well. At any rate, he's never actually heard them, which needs to be recified. And we get to see my brother, which has become more and more of a chore lately. I hate when he decides to get into politics, even if he's not trying to convince me of anything, his beliefs color everything, and get really fucking annoying. I don't much enjoy being the sister of a crackerNazi. He used to be so cool when he was younger, before I ran away, and I wonder how much of this could hav ebeen averted if I'd satyed home so he had someone else who would understand what home was like. This sin't so much guilt anymore as just idle questioning. When I left, he was 13 and being as abused as I was, but he still had coolness in him. He still questioned, and hadn't gotten so hard, and I miss that. There was this one photo someone had taken of him, beck in Saratoga. Some of you may remeber Creepyjim, the lurpy photographer. He was quite good, though, and he got a shot of Liam looking completely unguarded, just lost, hurt, and still faintly hopeful. He doesn't let himself look like that when he's aware of it, but I used to see it. It's fading now, and all turning hard, and rather bigotedly stupid. He has truly embraced the White Power thing, and I want to know where it comes from. It's so far outside of my realm of experience, I don't understand it. I don't know how a sweet kid can turn into something I so abhor. People say all sorts of hideous things about him still, and with very good reason, but implying that he's always been an irredeemable peopson. But you know, I've known him his entire life. Tehy haven't. He wasn't always stupid, and he wasn't always a wretch. He used to be a perfectly decent human being, who was always concerned with the wellbeing of creatures smaller than him. He still is, for that matter. Anyone who's seen him with lost kittens can see that. but no one ever really sees that anymore. I don't know if there's any saving him anymore, which is quite possibly the saddest thing Ive ever heard. I've fought with him over it countless times, tried reasoning with him, at some points it really seemed like we were getting through.... I miss my little brother, the one that was willing to consider other ways of looking at the world than the ones he was tought at home. And this, I don't know where it came from. It's all the worst aspects of my family, only magnified. Hell, even the worst of my ancestors fought against the Nazis. Racist they may have been, but they had other topics of conversation. And they were at least willing to have decent canversations with people of other colors without insulting them. It had more or less stopped in my grandparents' generation until this. And you know, there was only one of them living, and she wasn't the worst. My parents are fairly normal in that regard. I want to know if it was the abuse, the need to feel like he's above *someone* at least? I really do want to understand this, to know what changed him so much. Was I just blind for all those years? How did the same family produce two children so vastly different? Coud it really have been the one, single event he quotes every time I ask him about why he hates anyone who looks different, tht he was playing with a little black boy, and the other kid's parent's came over and made him leave, saying he's not supposed to play with that sort of person? Doen't he recognise that he's being just as bad? Or was it more than that? Are all the other experiences now worthless to him, all the other kids of other colors who didn't care about skin? And the people he hung out with as a Saratoga kid, of various races, ethnicities, and religions? Apparent'y this is irrelevant to him. I don't know. It scares me.

Comments

[kat1031.livejournal.com]

*sigh* I don't know what to say about your brother. It's clear that he's not stupid... at least not completely. He's just very naive, and he fell for a line of bullshit, and hasn't quite seen his way out of it yet. The sad part is that the more he falls for it, the harder it is for him to get out of it. I blame all of us to a certain extent. Maybe back in the day, we should have treated him less like Cate's silly little brother, and more like a human being. Then maybe he would have spent time hanging out with us, instead of reading Nazi propaganda.

Re:

[deliriumcrow.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know. And there was the fact that I feft when he was still very impressionable, amd we had been very close. Especially wiith the fact that I was one of the only people who understood what it was like at home, and to an extent I did protect him there. Or at least was enough of a diversion that he wasn't as noticed. So yes, I can kind of see why he went to the hard cases.... So I'm not really over the guilt from that.

Oh yes, and he's growing his hair out now and not advertising his politics so much now that his chickie left him.

I'm still insisting there has to be some hope for him. She was pushing him to be all boots and braces and shaven head, but he wanted to look respectable. And you know? Last night, he didn't mention politics once.

[kat1031.livejournal.com]

Maybe being around skin-bitch made him realize how ignorant he sounds. I hope that he wises up. I'd hate to see him spend his whole life wallowing in hatred and ignorance, because that's a hard load to carry around next time.