(no subject)

[deliriumcrow]

When I was little, there was no bogeyman under the bed. I know. I checked, every night. There was however, a vampire in my closet. I didn't have to look, I could hear him rustling through the fabric of my clothes.

Now I'm an adult, and I still don't have Bogeymen under my bed. I doubt they'd fit, though I no longer bother to look. There are no vampires in my closet. It's too near the window, and lacks a door to keep out the light. You'd think I'd be too old for nightmares. Apparently, you'd be wrong in that.

For several weeks I barely slept, ceasing only with going away for the holidays, and beginning again in the last few days, because dreams that are uncannily like the ones I had as a child are returning. The sort where the military/government/jackbooted thugs come in and kill my whole family, and finally I wake as they come into the hall outside my room, shaking, knowing I'm about to die for some invented crime. Like, I don't know, belonging to the wrong political party, or having an opinion and being dumb enough to voice it. When I was little I told myself it would never happen, that I was silly for this fear. Now, it's become "not today, we haven't been loud enough for them to notice us yet, and they haven't gotten quite so bad yet here."

In high school I read about the White Rose. I loved reading about various resistance movements, particularly during WWII, simply because that was the most clearly defined war I could think of, where the sides were so close to goodish against evil. The White Rose was a bunch of German students who dared to speak out against Hitler, and his endless tyranny. They all were killed. I dream of them now, rotted faces calling from the darkness, bony fingers beckoning, saying I will join them soon in the same sort of a grave, killed as a threat to national security or some such bullshit. I have dreamed that the thugs came into our bedroom as we slept, that I woke with Remy's blood hot on my face as he died in front of me, and I could not do anything to change it. I have dreamed that we died with the same bullet. And it is not true that if you die in a dream you die in real life. I have died almost every night for about a month. The nights that I don't, I may as well have, after watching everyone I know and care about go before me.

I know it isn't to that point yet. I want to keep it from that.

I don't want to live in a country whose government shows the signs of developing into something like the dream-images. I don't want to live in a country where I realize the Montana crackpots were right after all, that you can't trust the fuckers. I'm not too keen on living in a country whose government gives its citizens nightmares. I don't want to live in a place where I have to join the Resistance, because there is simply no other way. I liked to read about heroism, but that was about it. I'm not particularly heroic, or brave, or even just lucky. I don't want to be a martyr.

I even smoke more now. Partly it's the stress of knowing the world's about to end in a final almighty fireball from which nothing can survive except for the cockroaches. Maybe they'll do better than we did. Partly it's because I can. Hell, if I'm going to die because my dict-oops, president, blows us all to smithereens, why the hell shouldn't I do something I enjoy? It's not like it's going to have a chance to kill me. For that matter, I doubt the jackbooted thugs will live long enough to kill me.

Yes, I'm scared. I don't want to die, I don't want to flee from a country that I love beyond hope. I don't want to watch people I love being tortured, murdered, or even just observed by the government. Maybe I sound paranoid. I don't care. There's reason enough to be scared at this point, even if it hasn't yet reached the gruesome proportions of my sleepless, addled brain. It's in the news, everybody's news, mainstream even, in some cases. Foreign papers have it all over the place. No one is feeling all that safe at the moment.

I haven't yet come up with anything I can do, with my own peculiar skills, that will change the consciousness of the public, make them realize this is fucking wrong. I have a camera, but there aren't any images that I can shoot here, and I can't really get to any of the places where there are things to shoot. I'm a terrible painter, and too broke to afford paint anyway. And I don't know what to paint that would look like the horror, that would properly convey it. I have no particular images in my head, only vast swirling colors and clanging sounds. Like if you distilled nightmares to a single point, the very essence of fear. But people don't get abstraction, and I doubt this would get any point across. What can you show people to make them see what they've blinded themselves to? How do you force sight? Something has to be done. This can't go on.

Comments

fear etc.

[(Anonymous)]

its not often someone can pull off paranoia better than me...but you've got it bad. today its surveilance but fall they'll be burning books in the streets. but thats ok none of bush's people can read anyway. the thugs arent coming...theyre already here. we have to look under and through everything and watch everything we say. they have some new thing going where not only people coming into the US have to fill out forms but when youre going anywhere out of the US you'll have to fill it out. soon we'll be filling out forms for domestic travel. we'll have to log our daily commute. you get the idea.

on the plus side dissent is growing. there are a few...not many...but a few...people catching on. people are finally seeking information OUTSIDE the puppet media. every day more emails show up on the mass market networks with people that have found the current of truth under the lies. more people need to be shown the light. distribute copies of the stuff from heremes press or other sites. people will start questioning things. the incessant lying like the shit before new years about the 5 guys who snuck across the border in canada...who remarkably after new years were downgraded from "evil terrorists sneaking across the border" to an "uh...they MIGHT have entered the US illegally" and this week some poor guy in pakistan sees his face on the cover of the paper labeled a terrorist. he's a jeweler who's never even set foot in the US. sure fire way to keep the masses under control for new years is to create fear of some nonexistant threat. none of this shit is real. its all part of a psy-ops operation to instill fear and make us cower. after all we're all political prisoners. welcome to hell.

Re: fear etc.

[deliriumcrow.livejournal.com]

So how do you log a road trip?

Destination: Westish? maybe southish?
Intended route: see above.
Purpose: we were bored
Passengers: As many strays as will logically and legally fit

[kat1031.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel, sweetie. You've got people out on the left coast who are waking up in cold sweats 3 hours later than you are. I don't know what to do, but something has to be done. We can't let that monster destroy the whole world for everyone. He's our responsibility and we need to work hard for change.

I live by trying to make a joke out of it. I talk to the ceiling, where I'm assuming X and Y, the agents that listen to us every hour of every day have put the bugs. We wished them a happy new year and invited them up for drinks. They chose not to join us, but it would have been fun. *smirk*

Re:

[deliriumcrow.livejournal.com]

Yeah, we keep getting these random ghost calls, at almost the same time every day. It was especially bad just before Xmas, when the nightmares were the worst, and we were being more adamantly anti-everything, and I was *sure* they were the FBI making sure we were home so they could come and hunt us down. I'm still not entirely unconvinced. There was one night I woke up so scared that I wasn't willing to go down the hall to the bathroom for more water, so sure was I that the rustling in the hall was the thugs. *Sigh* I think it was mice. Cuz we're not dead yet. I used to have this little watch with glow in the dark hands and points at the quarters, and that kept the vampire away. Wonder if it works on men in black?