(no subject)

So yeah. I'm really not sure how I feel about having naked photos of me being sold on clothing. It didn't bother me yesterday, it probebly won't bother me tomorrow, or it will be worse. I don't know. Part of it's the whole shyness thing. I can be painted, sketched, photographed, whatever, but it's art, not commercialism. And somehow there is a difference for me, even if it's rather vague and ill-defined. Prints and wall hangings are one thing. My breasts on someone's bumper seems entirely different. And art is generally less seen, and usually only by people who are expecting art, not lasciviousness. I don't have a problem with lasciviousness, But I"m *really* not comfortable with being displayed for everyone who looks at someone's chest to see. I don't know. Part of it is extreme self-consciousnes, in that I do'nt really want people looking at me. Despite what everyone may say, I don't consider myself pretty, or posessed of a pretty enough body to have it displayed for everyone to see. And yes, there is a differedce between this and Remy's online gallery, it's a photography site that's more or less like a virtual gallery space, minus the strict judges. More or less, it still caters to the art crowd. It isn't a shirt or a bumpersticker. I told him how I felt, and he kind of pouted and asked if I was going to make him take them down. First, I can't as they are his images, and second I really don't know how I will feel about it later, and if it gets any worse then I might. It isn't really a statement on art, I think, as the difference between the various ways of seeing a naked Cate. Especially one that I don't particularly like looking at.

Still more whinging.

I think I'm going to blame it on being sick, and PMS. Yes, those are perfectly acceptable reasons. Having another day of self loathing, and I'm really getting close to wanting to cut again. Not that I would at this point, I usually have better methods. Walks generally do fine, at least then it doesn't look intentional, when the only way up the hill is through the briars. We have to start packing, soon. I still have finals, and all I really want to do is hide, and never be seen again. Especially by myself. I hate looking at myself in the mirror, or just looking down. I have never been able to stand the way I look, clothed or otherwise. Nothing really makes any difference. There are days when it isn't so very bad as this, when I can actually manage to look in the mirror without being revolted to the point of illness, but this is not one of them. I hate when it gets this bad, when trying to keep emotions inside where they belong just results in pointless tears that only make things worse, and sniping at people I actaully care about. I don't mean to. Sometimes I think I need to go back on medications, but it doesn't happen often at all anymore. Of course when it does, it's with a fine vengeance.... So now I'm wondering if this is a reaction to the now non-existant aforementioned clothing items, or if that was a reaction to the depression? Either way, I'm not particularly amused with this state, and would love to change it. If I knew how. I can't even talk to Remy now, because I know I'm just going to start crying and being pathetic, and am sure he's probably annoyed at me.