(no subject)

[deliriumcrow]

I want to scream. I can hear it building in my head if the hum of the fan and the computers gets too soft, or if I try to think about anything. It's gotten so very loud, and I can't turn it off, or make it go away. I can't think through it. I sent the professor an email asking for a meeting about creepy guy. It was worded terribly, it read like something out of a Victorian textbook. God, I hate my brain sometimes. yet another thing that needs to be poked with a fork. I have a fork today. Traded the dagger for something less obvious, and, well, yeah. It's still sharp. I don't want to feel like I need it. I don't want to have to talk to the professor--not I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to be in a situation that so obviously (to everyone except me, anyway) requires that I do something.

Thing is, I'm not wholly convinced that he really is dangerous, more that he's fucking socially retarded. And has no idea that you do not invade the space of a person who makes themselves as prickly as poossible, who advertises her very taken status. While not legally married, we still fit the description. You do not touch people. I don't think he understands this. And that I let it get this far, this out of control. My emotions are so out of whack this semester, I no longer have any idea what's goign on in my head. I don't want to make accusationa about someone who really doesn't deserve it, but at the same time, don't want to risk that he does deserve the stigma. I don't really have much choice at this point. I have to tell someone, and should have been smarter. Read: More suspicious. I don't want to be afraid of everyone, and of course, as soon as I try, things go very badly. That's' not true. The men I met last semester were, by and large, great. I'd trust them alone. This one manages to feel, somehow, inpossibly, like a betrayal. That I try to trust people, and someone still tries to hurt you. And I suppose on some level it is my fault for not telling him to fuck off the first day, when I first got the impression he might be lurpy. This is what I get for giving someone a chance.

My hands shake all day, and every evening, I shake. All night, until we go to bed. I don't know if I'm sick, or just incredibly neurotic and need to be medicated or something. Any time I think about anything remotely stressful, really. It's kind of pathetic. I'm having trust issues not even related to the above. That's just the big one, as I have to go to the class he's in in an hour. And oh god, I don't really have time enough to finish it. Feh. So more later. Or not. It depends.

Comments

[madplanet.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I wish I had something helpful to say! But I'm listening, and I hope things get better.

[deliriumcrow.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. It does matter, and it does hellp.

[moominmuppet.livejournal.com]

Hey, I've been horrible about actually writing responses recently, but I've been thinking about you. *hugs* if you'd like 'em. I think tackling the issue like this with the teacher is a good plan.

[deliriumcrow.livejournal.com]

Thank you, I do like the hugs. :)
And I just talked with the teacher, and he was very kind about it, and very understanding. More on that later, I think. :)

[moominmuppet.livejournal.com]

And I just talked with the teacher, and he was very kind about it, and very understanding.

Very good to hear.

[demoncaller.livejournal.com]

What's this guy been doing anyways? I might be missing something from your posts; has he accosted you, threatened you somehow?

[deliriumcrow.livejournal.com]

Mostly, he was just being lurpy. Standing too close, leaning too close in class, staring at my breasts, and then he touched my leg. The what was pretty much scattered through several entries going back to the second week of classes or so, so I don't blame you for missing things. :)