More forgotten things.

[deliriumcrow]

First. On the issue of fairness, as mentioned in a reply to a comment. In February, the Vagina Monologues were going to hang in the Campus Center a fabric advert sign with a picture of a vagina on it, and Karen Hitchcock, the president, said that it was too controversial. And this wasn't. I don't get it.

Second. They were originally supposed to make a sort of tunnel through which you could voluntarilly pass through, knowing that's what you would see. Fine, that's great, no projectile vomiting then. (And really, that's what you get for putting gruesone images outside a place where people go to *eat*. Seriously, people, have some forethought.) I would not have protested that, as if you put yourself through that you did it voluntarilly. It's like prosecuting someone for nudity, when the only reason you saw them was the fact that you were looking through the keyhole. Anyway.

It did accomplish one thing, as now people are actually discussing things on campus, debating the issues, and thinking. I approve of that.

And I have begun to realize that my opinions differ strongly from many of my friends here. It's made me somewhat defensive of my past and my choices, knowing that in the same situation again, I'd do the exact same thing. Whne I drank that tea, I didn't know whether or not I was really pregnant, but I was pretty sure I was. I was something like two months late at that point, so it seemed pretty logical to conclude that. I smoked regularly, drank a lot, did drugs, and didn't eat much at all, and was rather anaemic. The father would have given minimal to no support, had I kept it, and none during gestation. I had no means to improve my diet at that point (most of the vices I indulged in were given to me, or very cheap) and was terribly, almost suicidally depressed. And as we all know, pregnant hormones don't usually make you more balanced. My friends were already at the limit of what they could do for me. So abortion, as quickly as possible, seemed like a really good idea. It was either one of us, or more than likely, both of us, and I decided that I wanted to live. And pennyroyal is really cheap.

Turns out I was not pregnant, so it didn't matter anyway, but the intention was the same. And I've given the recipe to people who I knew were pregnant and didn't want to go to PP, and didn't see any other options. It worked for them. I have no regrets. Not for my choice to drink it, or for giving it to others.

I do not see abortion as a form of birth control, neither do I think it should be the first choice. Adoption is a good option, if you can't keep it yourself, and should be promoted strongly. Abortion should not be the first option considered, unless you really have no other option. And those cases do exist. I know a woman, who, had she come home pregnant as a teenager, would have been killed, or at least beaten to irreprable damage. I don't think the rape excuse would have been accepted either--obviously, according to her father, if she put herself in that situation, she must have been asking for it. Incest is a good reason for an abortion, for genetic reasons. And, in my opinion, so is rape. Had any of the people that raped me ever managed to produce anything from it, I would have killed it as quickly as I would kill them. I didn't want them in me in the first place, why would I want any part of them in me for nine fucking months? I tried hard enough in the months following to erase their touch from my memory without a child to remind me, I can't really imagine how much more difficult it would have been with that ever-present reminder leeching off of *my* body, demanding *my* resources and *my* thoughts. I don't blame the kid for its father's evil. Or for getting itself cought somewhere that is an unwilling host at best. But I also am not a factory. I don't consider this selfish. In a way I do a;most envy the women who give birth to their rapists children, who can separate the evil of the seed from the potential it holds. I don't know how much of a rapists evil is genetic and how much environmental, and I don't really want to know. And from another point of view, I also don't want to give anything that sort of a start in life. It's pretty fucking miserably, really. The world's an ugly enough place as it is without being created by it.my thought aren't terribly coherent on this one. I'm torn, in a way, between remebering how it felt to be raped and extend that for several months, and trying to be rational, and keep that pain at a distance, but close enough to think about. It's a delicate balance, and I'm not doing so well at it. Better than before, where I just wanted to cut myself and bleed them out again, bot now I want to go out and kill them. Yes, I am decidedly pro-death, for those that deserve it. So in that, I can definately understand Remy's adherence to post-natal abortions. let them prove they are worthy of death before its dealt to them.

I digress. In this current state, I would not have an abortion, unless it was the product of a rape. Sorry, Remy, you have no say in that, it's still my body, and I don't want that. Remy's kid can stay, and is invited freely. Just not yet. But if the birth control fails, then, well, I guess we'll have to get the crib fixed sooner rather than later. I'm healthy, and we have money, and I have support from Remy, and friends, and family, so adoption wouldn't happen either.

So here, by this circuitous route, I reach my conclusion. Even if I never have the need or desire for an abortion, even if by some strange twist of emotions I should decide to keep a rapists child (gods forbid that there ever be a need), I don't want to deny another woman the right to make the same choice for herself, and will fight to preserve it. I am in no position to judge another's circumstances, just as no one else could judge mine.

And now, having been sufficiently distrought for the past several days, I am done with the abortion issue. Until it comes up again.

Comments

[moominmuppet.livejournal.com]

I know one person who kept a child of rape. He's a great kid, but thirteen years later she's still struggling with what lies to tell him about who his father is, and worrying that he'll find out the truth and have to cope with that. It's a messy topic.