![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Jun. 4th, 2002
I chose an eternity of this....
Jun. 4th, 2002 07:22 amSo the friend mentioned previously, the one I was so hesitant to talk to, replied to the comment I left in her LJ, and said we should talk. So now I'm all sorts of nervous. I don't know what this will mean, I don't know what will happen (who ever does?), but I'm ultimately willing to accept whatever happens. It's just really odd, to realize that nothing's as static as one might originally claim. Not even finality. Not death, not life, nothing, regardless of promises made to the contrary. I swore there would be no again, not this time, and here it goes again, I break yet another promise to myself. Will I regret it this time? Will it be a better thing? I'm sick of the pain of anger, the way it eats away at everything that had been good about me. I don't need the wasted energy of hate, or whatever close kin tho that I'd tried to build to keep the pain away. It didn't work.
I don't know what the best possible outcome would be. I don't know what the possible outcomes are. I try to prepare for those I see, and invariably miss the one that actually happens. There will be no open arms. I know that. We may decide that a severance is the best idea, but at least it would be true finality, "closure", as it seems to be popularly called these days. We could fade into acquaintances. Or something like that. At this point, to be as close as we were would be impossible. I think it might always be, and I don't know if I'd want it anyway. No, I can't quite explain that. But I want to know how the story ends....
Today is a very Cureish day, I think.
I have no justification for what I did. I was angry, I was hurt, I wanted to kill any sort of benevolent emotions I had for her. So I did, and in the process managed to destroy myself as well. I always do this, of course. Try to sever the ties so completely that I can never go back, even if I want to. Feh. And I'm a thunderstorm. Always have been. We don't cancel each other out, neither ends with the other's survival, we just hurt each other.
I think I'm done for now. Mostly because it would just get repetitious now, and I don't really want to think about it for a while. I need to get ready for work, and try not to break. But then, I seem to be rather good at building my own little reality. Maybe I'll build one for today.
I don't know what the best possible outcome would be. I don't know what the possible outcomes are. I try to prepare for those I see, and invariably miss the one that actually happens. There will be no open arms. I know that. We may decide that a severance is the best idea, but at least it would be true finality, "closure", as it seems to be popularly called these days. We could fade into acquaintances. Or something like that. At this point, to be as close as we were would be impossible. I think it might always be, and I don't know if I'd want it anyway. No, I can't quite explain that. But I want to know how the story ends....
Today is a very Cureish day, I think.
I have no justification for what I did. I was angry, I was hurt, I wanted to kill any sort of benevolent emotions I had for her. So I did, and in the process managed to destroy myself as well. I always do this, of course. Try to sever the ties so completely that I can never go back, even if I want to. Feh. And I'm a thunderstorm. Always have been. We don't cancel each other out, neither ends with the other's survival, we just hurt each other.
I think I'm done for now. Mostly because it would just get repetitious now, and I don't really want to think about it for a while. I need to get ready for work, and try not to break. But then, I seem to be rather good at building my own little reality. Maybe I'll build one for today.
